


Dying Inside These Walls

by Empress_Of_Fire



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Elves, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Past Relationship(s), Slow Burn, Trespasser Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-11
Updated: 2015-12-11
Packaged: 2018-05-06 02:27:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5399396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Empress_Of_Fire/pseuds/Empress_Of_Fire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set a year after the events of Trespasser, Former Inquisitor Amonkira Lavellan copes with everything she has lost while trying to find a way to save Solas from himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dying Inside These Walls

**Author's Note:**

> "I'm not calling you a liar, just don't lie to me.  
> I'm not calling you a thief, just don't steal from me.  
> I'm not calling you a ghost, just stop haunting me.  
> I love you so much, I'm going to let you kill me."

She stepped out onto the stone balcony and pulled the hood of her heavy furlined cloak up to shield her sensitive ears from the biting winds of Empress du Lion. The black fabric snapped around her legs as a howling gust of bitter wind brought the first snowflakes of the day.

She leaned against the railing and looked out at the gray sky. So much time had past since she'd last been here. it seemed like a lifetime go, lived by a different person. Life for the locals in the area had improved over the past few years. With the absence of the Red Templars mining and trading had resumed, bringing in much needed commerce. The small village of Sahrnia had been repaired and rebuilt by The Inquisition following the victory over Corypheus, and the red lyrium had been removed and destroyed.

The landscape however, remained the same. Carved out in the frozen earth below was the winding maze of the silverite mines that now belonged to her. In the distance sat what had once been the tower camp that now held the remainder of her forces until more permanent housing could be arranged. Past that, there was nothing but cliffs and snow as far as the eye could see. Not even the spires where she had fought and killed three high dragons were visible from this distance. The land was barren, cold and desolate.

"How fitting" she thought bitterly.

It made her long for Skyhold. She missed it's lush garden full of trees and flowers. Clay pots overflowing with her herbs that she would tend to with great care in the small moments of freetime she was allowed. She missed the tavern, brimming with life and laughter. Raucous crowds milling around Varric, Bull and Sera as they played wicked grace or told outlandish tales of their travels. She could still picture the way the sun poured in through the stained glass windows of the main hall, bathing the large room in a warm orange glow. She could all but hear the roaring of the great waterfall that spilled over the cliffs in the undercroft. She missed her balcony where she would watch the sun set over familiar snow capped mountains.

Skyhold had been her home. Probably the first one she had known in her life. She had felt safe there, secure. A comfort she could not form into words. Such unfamiliar feelings for her, surrounded by the support of friends she never thought she would have.

Her mind wandered to the first time she had ever laid eyes on it. Battered, beaten, and exhausted she had all but crawled over that last rise. There is had been, an imposing stone fortress nestled amongst snow covered cliffs.

After the distruction of Haven and what they had all gone through during their journey through the mountains in the weeks afterward, it was this looming structure that offered her people safety and hope.

It was in that moment that a touch of the crushing weight that she had been carrying on her shoulders since waking up shackled and dissoriented in a dank cell lessened. Even if only for a little while.

It had been Solas who had told her of Skyhold. The quiet elven apostate had showed her where to find it. He had been beside her the whole journey, conversing with her easily about his many travels both in the waking world and in the fade. He never tired of answering her endless questions regarding magic and ancient elves. He had actually seamed pleased by them and had encouraged her to ask more. It had been in those weeks that whatever had been growing between them at Haven had flourished.

She had been drawn to him immediately, from the moment he had grabbed her wrist and aimed it at that first rift she felt an unexplainable connection to him. A need to get to know him better. At first he had kept his distance from her as best he could, disliking the dalish on principle. But upon learning that she held no love for her own people he slowly opened up to her. She had found everything about him fascinating.

It had always meant more that he had been the one to give her that home. Even now, after all that had happened, she would be ever greatful.

Her eyes closed as she fell deeper into her thoughts. She could remember late nights in the rotunda, watching Solas paint his magnificant frescoes. The smell of paint and plaster and old books filling her nose as she watched him carefully consider the next stroke of his paintbrush. His eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he painstakingly worked to capture her story and accomplishments on the large walls.

On cold nights, long after everyone in the tower above had returned to their quarters and the sounds of murmuring voices and restless crows died away they would curl up together on his sofa under a pile of furs. She would sit, nestled in his arms with her back against his chest while they took turns reading to one another until sleep claimed them.

Her favorite moments had been on the rare warm afternoons where they would lay together in the grass of the garden. Shoulder to shoulder with fingers entwined they would watch the clouds creep across the sky, the sun warming their skin. They would laugh and trade stories and pretend for a few moments that the world wasn't falling apart around them. She would be lulled by the cadence of his deep voice into a serenity she could find no where else amidst the trials and hardships of the inquisition.

Those fleeting moments she had shared with him had been the only times she was able to get some respite from the chaos that was her new life. A life she hadn't asked for or wanted. He was one of the few that had been with her from the beginning and his presence and support had seen her through some of her darkest days.

In the end, Skyhold was just a stone building full of ghosts. It had been since the night she returned from the battle with Corypheus. The night he left her with no explanation, no goodbye. She had stood in the main hall, surrounded by her companions and advisors as they rejoiced in their victory feeling nothing but bereft and alone.

The memories inside those walls held an immeasurable amount of pain for her, so with the dissolution of the Inquisition she let it go. She doubted Ferelden would have let her stay there even if she had wanted to, as they had been the first to turn on her.

And now she knew the truth. Skyhold had never been a gift, a good deed to help out a fledgling organization that was almost destroyed before it could fully form. It had been a manipulation, a maneuver. Solas had never been by her side, but oh, she had been beside his. What a fool she had been. He had lead her so easily and she had been more than willing to follow. Every moment they had spent together, all the stories he told and the wisdom he shared, every smile and every kiss had just been another piece of his betrayal.

The fingers on her right hand gripped the cold stone railing in anger as she fought back the bile that rose in her throat. In one way or another he had taken her freedom, her gods, her people, her friends, her organization, her health, her happiness, her heart and soul. She felt her jaw quiver as she looked down and to the left, to where the thick fabric of the cloak draped over her left arm that now ended just above the elbow. Was there nothing that he wouldn't take from her?

After the events that took place during the exalted council she no longer had it in her to be the Inquisitor. She was nothing but an elven hunter running from her clan that had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. She was never meant to be a leader.

Ferelden wanted them disbanded anyway, practically calling for her blood in the process. By then she had no fight left, ending the Inquisition seemed like the best thing for everyone.

Surprisingly Orlais was not as quick to forget the Inquisitions accomplishments and as a token of gratitude Empress Celene gifted her with Suledin Keep. Not that many people were clamoring to live in a crumbling fortress in the middle of a frozen wasteland.

Slowly everyone had left her, including her inner circle. They all had lives to return to. She had always known the day would come when they would resume the things they left behind for the Inquisition, but that knowledge did nothing to soften the blow.

She missed them all greatly, but none more than her dear, sweet Cole and beloved Dorian. Her heart ached to think of how long it had been since she'd last seen them.

Thankfully, not everyone had left her. Scout Harding remained, taking up the mantle of her personal spymaster. Leliana had trained her well and with her role as Devine she could no longer fill the position. Professor Kenric had also joined her cause. She believed it was mostly to stay close to his lady Harding, but his knowledge and insight had become invaluable. The two of them had proven to be a formidable team.

The Iron Bull and his Chargers had remained at her disposal, often working in tandem with Harding, as did Sutherland and his company. They were often on the road for long stretches of time so she was unable to see them for months on end.

The sound of a throat clearing behind her abruptly pulled her from her thoughts. She turned to find Cullen eyeing her with that worried look of his, brows drawn, lips pulled into a thin line. It was the look that had been stuck on his face everytime he so much as glanced her way over these past eight months. He had insisted on keeping his position as the commander of her remaining troops with Captain Rylen as his second. She had pleaded with Cullen to leave, to return to his family. She tried to convince him that he deserved better than this station, but ever loyal he refused.

She was glad that he had stayed. He was the man that after Haven had searched for her in a blizzard, carried her unconscious and broken body down the mountain even though he hardly knew her. The man that had never treated her as less for being an elf. Cullen was the one constant in her life and even though she hated to admit it to herself, to acknowledge the weekness within her, she didn't know what she would do without him.

"inqui...." He caught himself, stopped and corrected his frequent mistake.

"My lady" he continued.

"There is a visitor in the main hall who has requested to meet with you. He refuses to speak to anyone other than yourself."

She grimaced and ran her hand over her face. "I do not wish to see anyone."

Cullen raised his hand to the back of his neck and looked at her apprehensively.

"He's caused quite a disturbance with the guards and it has set them on edge, we should diffuse the situation quickly" He urged before taking a deep breath "He asked for Inquisitor Amonkira." The last part of his sentence dropped off to barely a whisper, so quiet she was sure she hadn't heard him correctly.

When she brought her eyes up to meet his she knew that she had. Her breath caught in her lungs as her body stilled completely. She hadn't heard that name spoken aloud in almost a year, and to hear it again caused her heart to twist painfully in her chest.

"Very well" she resigned with a shaky sigh as she took one last look out into the falling snow.

She reluctantly released her grasp on the railing before she turned and followed Cullen back into the keep.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written in years but this game inspires me so much! Please go easy on me :)


End file.
